


i have loved you for the last time ((visions of gideon))

by MISHTAR



Category: Captive Prince - C. S. Pacat
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, M/M, Protect my poor sons Jord and Nikandros, They deserve some happiness too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-04
Updated: 2018-02-04
Packaged: 2019-03-13 07:40:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13565928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MISHTAR/pseuds/MISHTAR
Summary: "You can fall in love more than once."





	i have loved you for the last time ((visions of gideon))

Sitting in the large throne room of Ravenel, Nikandros was staring into nothingness. For a reason the kyros had chosen to completely and willingly ignore, the four of them -them being Damen, Laurent Jord and himself- had ended up drinking way too much tonight. Of course, they had been celebrating the anniversary of their victory inside these walls. But they decided to keep drinking after the official ceremony, he had no idea. 

Well, maybe he did. 

But only because he could feel the emptiness behind the loud laughs, see the weird stares that were shared between Jord and Laurent. 

Nikandros had only been following his king blindly, as always.   
His king, who was himself following his beloved...   
as always. 

Said beloved who knew better about the reasons why they were all drinking more and more as hours passed.   
Because Laurent always knew more than them, useless and weak mortals.

Usually, such a festive activity as drinking would end up in shared laughs shared between him and Jord at the sight of an enamoured Laurent and a very confused Damen.   
Or maybe, sometimes, it was the other way around.   
At some point, him and Jord would just end up laughing for no reason anyway, not even looking at their kings anymore. Simply sharing the burden of being the Kings’ closest friends. 

Today, however, was different. 

Too drunk to really care, Nikandros hadn't been paying attention to what was happening right before his eyes between Laurent and his captain. 

But when the blond man stood up from the throne, reminding Jord of his divine superiority, Nikandros sobered up almost instantly. So did Damen.   
Was he even drunk?   
He didn't look surprised at all by the turn of events, looking at them with a worried expression painted on his face. Like he knew what was happening, and what was going to happen.   
He wore a tired expression, too. Like he had been witnessing their behaviour too often before. 

Nikandros focused on Laurent again when the King erupted, clearly annoyed by Jord’s words.

"Oh come on Jord! I did what I had to do. He chose his own path. He paid for his stupid mistakes. He was a coward and a traitor.”

_What the fuck was happening  
and who the fuck were they talking about? _

He glanced at Damen who was not looking at him. He looked like he was ready to step in at any time, if Laurent needed to be protected from Jord.   
Even though he knew perfectly that Jord would rather die than kill his King.

"But you did it! You knew he was my soulmate you did it! You made me do it and then-"

"This soulmate thing is bullshit Jord. Open your eyes, you're too good for a boy like him!"

"How dare you say that when you're fucking married to your soulmate? Don't lecture me about this bond when despite hating him with all your heart, you fell in love with him exactly because he's your soulmate! You're such a hypocrite sometimes Laurent."

Nikandros had never heard Jord speak to his King that way, never heard him call him _Laurent_ before either. It had always been "Your Majesty" or "My King". At least in public and, therefore, in front of him.

"I did not fall in love with him because of the bond, I love Damen because of who he is as a man. Not because he's my soulmate. Get over it Jord, soulmates are nothing but fairytales and a sick trick played by the gods."

Nikandros had the refrain from doing something, saying something. From screaming, actually. 

( _You're so wrong Laurent, so, so, so wrong._ )

He could also see the distress in Damen's eyes, the need to leave, to run away from this scene and the harsh words spoken by his husband who was completely denying that their union was something transcendental, that they were meant to be in more ways than one.  
And it hurt him.  
It was obvious.

Torn between the need to intervene, the desire to stop Laurent from saying such absurdities to protect his friends from the terrible words and the need to keep his own secret, Nikandros stopped listening. 

From what he had heard and understood,

∙ Jord had obviously lost his soulmate.  
∙ Laurent had something to do with it.  
∙ Said soulmate was a coward and a traitor.  
∙ Jord had known the boy for a short amount of time, not really knowing who he was but (apparently) knowing him enough to fall in love with him.

"You can fall in love more than once, it doesn't matter what faith has chosen for you. You're more powerful than faith."

"Just because you can destroy your own feelings doesn't mean every one of us, humans, can."

"I thought you knew better than that."

"If Damen died, you'd just deny you loved him, ignore what your heart is telling you. Then you would find someone else to fuck just to prove me wrong, to prove that soulmates are nothing. But you will never know the colour of your new lover's eyes. But you won’t care. Because your soulmate is dead. And that’s all that matters. I wish this to no one."

"You want it to happen to me."

"I used to. I like Damen too much now."

They glared at each other. And the thicker the tension got, the tenser Damen got. Hearing Laurent saying that their bond was nothing to him hurt, even though he knew all about what the Veretian thought about destiny, faith, soulmates. _If you’re not satisfied with your life, with your soulmate, just change it. Take the matter in your own hands_. That was Laurent’s philosophy. Not Damen’s, though.

The room had grown quiet now, only for a few seconds, erupting then again in new insults from Laurent and Jord.

That was the moment when Nikandros decided to step in, to intervene because seeing Damen keeping his mouth shut even though something was obviously bothering him in Laurent’s attitude, seeing Jord suffer to because of _that fucking snake_. 

Laurent would never understand what it was like. Because it was obvious that he would rather die than live in a world without Damen. 

Jord, on the other hand, didn't want to see that Laurent, as a king, had duties that were above a simple soul bound. 

Nikandros sighed. Damen was going to hate him after that. 

For not telling him,  
for hiding this from him. 

But it was time for Jord to understand, to let this weight fall from his shoulders, to forgive not only Laurent but himself too.

"-brat was nothing to you-"

"-could've helped him if you were not such a controlling-"

"Stop it! Shut up. Both of you," Nikandros suddenly interrupted. 

Both menwent quiet, looking expectedly at him, eyebrows raised questioningly. The kyros chose to look at Damen first. Then he glared at Jord, and Laurent.

"Don't you dare insult soul bonds when your soulmate is standing right in front of you and you’re married to him… Your Majesty," he spat the last two words "and Jord, I don’t know the whole story but apparently, your King did what he had to do. He's right. It's time to let go. It might be hard to accept, but your soulmate is not coming back and hating Laurent for doing his job is a waste of time and energy."

"How would a Barbarian know what it's-"

"Shut up."

Jord was acting like a bitch.

He was hurting. That much, Nikandros could see. It was the only reason why he didn't draw his sword right there, right now when Jord was insulting him. They were the words of a broken man. A broken man who was celebrating the first anniversary of his soulmate's death.

"I lost my soulmate too. But you know what? I got over it."

He heard Damen gasp. 

It was common knowledge that Nikandros couldn't see colours. There were enough women who were hoping to make him see them for the first time in both Vere and Akielos for this to be a well-known fact. 

However, no one knew that it was because his soulmate was dead.   
That he had been able to see colours once.

"It's not about losing him, it's about the reason why. Laurent-" Jord started but Nikandres cut him off.

"You're being unreasonable. Laurent is only ever doing what he must do. He’s not a heartless bastard. If you were not blinded by your anger, you would see it."

Nikandros could see the distress in Jord eyes, the need to say something back, to prove that he was wrong. 

Nothing was about Laurent here. Jord didn't blame him anymore. 

He acted like he did but truly, it was himself who he hated the most.   
Nikandros could read through him like an open book.   
Because they were the same.

"Listen to the Barbarian, Jord, can't you see he's smarter than all of us?"

Nikandros shot a death glare at Laurent, who was now smiling. In a (weird and very private) way, they had learnt to understand each other silently, and maybe, just maybe, this was his way of saying the kyros was right. 

"Laurent,” Nikandros didn’t even notice that he was using his King’s name now, but that didn’t matter. They had been around each other, bickering, for long enough to not care about it anymore. As long as they were in private, that was. “Maybe you should just say sorry, it won't fry your brain to express some feelings, you know? I don't know what happened here, but work on it. And, Jord, don't you dare use self-pity. You may think you will never get it over with but-"

"How can you say that? Your soulmate probably died peacefully in your arms, from a disease or on the battlefield. You had time to say goodbye, it was not your fault or your friend’s fault. She did not give up on you, on your love, on her life. You had time to mourn, the right to do it. She probably had a big ceremony for her burial, people crying for her, for you. Aimeric died alone, no one cared. And he killed himself because Laurent humiliated-"

That was more than what Nikandros could take. He had not planned to tell Damen. Never. And certainly not this way but Jord was driving him insane and before he could think, words were flooding from between his lips. 

"Don’t speak about what you don’t know because I will make you regret it. I don’t speak about Aimeric because I don’t know what happened so don’t you dare insult my soulmate like that. He died alone. Maybe people cared, maybe a lot of them cried for him,” He shot a quick glance at Laurent, “but he's still dead, and I’m still alive. And I wish I could blame someone for this, but I can't." 

"Because you have no one to blame."

"You’re wrong. I have someone to blame. It would be easier to blame him, because then I wouldn’t have to accept the fact that I’m left alone on this earth. But it's not fair to blame someone who simply did his job and saved thousands of people by killing just one person." 

"But Laurent is my friend."

"And Damen is my brother."

He could feel Damen tense immediately next to him, whispering a weak "What? Who?" 

Nikandros sighed. 

He hadn't wanted to do that, this was supposed to remain his secret. But it was too late now. He clenched his jaw to stop himself from screaming. 

He was used to the pain now,   
to the emptiness,   
to the bottomless void that was his heart. 

Closing his eyes, he sighed and walked to Jord. Without looking at Damen, avoiding his questioning, pleading gaze, he removed the leather cuff that hid the name of his soulmate since he had turned seventeen.

He simply showed his wrist to Jord who paled, gasped and nodded. He was looking at the floor now, pale as a ghost. A silent way to say _I’m sorry_. 

Nikandros nodded back and put a comforting hand on the older man's shoulder.

"At least you had the chance to meet him, to know him and create some memories. I don't even know the sound of his voice and I love him with all my heart nonetheless. Don't tell me I don't know how it feels, because I do. I saw colours for fifteen minutes of my life before they were ripped away from me. He even saved my life before he died, and I couldn't do it for him in return.” He laughed joylessly. “Tell me, would you kill Laurent to save Aimeric?" 

Jord shook his head.

"He was killed by someone I couldn't save him from. Not because I couldn’t, but because I decided not to. I chose Damen over my soulmate and I would do it all over again. He was killed by someone who I would die for, a thousand times, even today, after this. I cherish Damen more than my own heart. And it's okay that I made this choice, that I don't hate the friend who took my soulmate away from me. Because I know he didn't have a choice, because no soulmate bond will ever be important enough to change what happens in times of war. I accepted it, you better do too, or you'll never taste happiness ever again."

He took his eyes off Jord to place them on a very pale Damen before looking right at Laurent. He was gazing right back at him, his eyes slightly wider than usual.

"Now, if you'll excuse me."

His heart was beating too hard in his chest. Thinking about that day, the sudden flash of colours and the brightness of the battlefield. 

The green of the grass,   
the red of the blood. 

Breathing became suddenly hard and tears started to run down his cheeks. It had been a long time since he had thought about it. Really thought about it. Of course, the feeling never left.

He was leaving, but stopped when Damen’s broken voice echoed in the silent room.

"Who? Nikandros!"

It was only slightly louder than a whisper, but everyone heard it. Everyone could feel the hurt in his voice. 

Damen knew. 

Nikandros was sure he could put two and two together.

He just wanted to be sure, wanted to hear his best friend say it. So Nikandros stopped and sighed.

But he didn't have time to answer.

"Auguste. Auguste was your soulmate, right?"

It was Laurent who had said it. Sitting on his throne, looking paler than ever, his eyes bright, Nikandros was almost feeling proud of the look he had put on the King's face.

Nikandros breathed hard,   
turned around,   
ignoring Damen's pleading eyes, not ready to face him yet   
and nodded.

"It _is_ Auguste and it will _always_ be Auguste. He might be dead, but he's still my soulmate. He was taken from me but that doesn't mean I hate the person who killed him."

He looked pointedly at Jord before leaving, the room remaining silent for a few minutes, even after the loud banging of the door.

x

"He didn't know."

"He didn't."

Jord looked at Nikandros for a long time before sighing.

"If Damen had known, I would have told him to kill him anyway. Hell, maybe I would have killed him myself. Who knows? But what I know for sure is that history and wars are stronger than any soul bond. Protecting my country was more important than saving Auguste. I hope he understood that when I let Damen-"

"Of course, he did. He was a good man. He had a big heart."

"I know."

"He loved you. I know he did."

"I know it too. He killed one of his generals to save me when I got distracted because of the colours. It was discreet. But he saved my life. I never returned the favour."

"You couldn’t kill Damen."

"And you couldn’t kill Laurent, so stop blaming yourself. It's over now."

"It's different."

"It's not. Aimeric betrayed you all. You couldn't have saved him. Just like I couldn't have saved Auguste. Hating Laurent, hating Damen, it won't bring them back and it will only make our lives harder. Laurent is a good man, and god only knows how much it hurts to admit it. He might have been cruel, but his intentions were good."

"How can you be so... It still hurts. Every day."

"I got over it. I'll survive, I survived. I'll love someone else because I don’t want to spend my life alone and I will cherish his memory for as long as I live. You should do that too. Aimeric was a selfish bastard, he would have moved on easily, had he been brave enough to live."

"You should try and speak to Damen."

"I never wanted him to find out, it was hard enough for me. And with the guilt he must be feeling because of Laurent... I never wanted him to know."

Jord nodded. 

"Forgive him, forgive you. You have the right to love Laurent, believe me, you do. And if Aimeric hates you for it then, as a certain blond snake would say, _fuck destiny, screw faith, get your own soulmate_."

"Aimeric would probably hate me for it."

"Don't let him ruin your life. Love the memory of him, but don't let what you think he would want dictate your life."

Nikandros took Jord's hand in his and squeezed it warmly, a small smile on his lips. 

"You deserve happiness, my friend, and you're the only one keeping you away from it."

x

"Nik I-"

"Before you start, I want you to listen and register what I'm going to tell you in that big stupid head of yours: I forgive you, I don't blame you, I never did. I'd choose you over and over again."

What broke his heart was that he knew Damen would probably choose Laurent over him now. But had Nikandros had the chance to meet and know Auguste, maybe Nikandros would have chosen him over Damen too.

"I'm sorry."

"I know."

"You could've told me."

"And the war would have been lost because you think with your heart, brother."

"I'm sorry."

"I know, I forgive you."

"I'm so, so, so sorry."

After saying those words, Damen broke down in a silent cry, letting Nikandros rock him in an intimate gesture they hadn't shared in years.

x

"I always thought Auguste was straight."

"I always thought I was straight."

Laurent cocked an eyebrow and laughed. 

"He would have loved you."

"I know."

"Don't be so sure."

"I know you told Damen he would have been his friend."

"Friend. You too could've been his friend. Lovers on the other hand..."

"We'll never know."

"Of course."

Without noticing, Laurent gave him something that day. 

He offered him the bittersweet moment he had been waiting for during his whole life. The acknowledgement that he would never know if things could've worked between them. Because soul bonds could break, soulmates could hurt each other too. 

He had been trying to convince himself that they would have loved each other for so long that he didn’t even allow himself to doubt it anymore. But he should have been allowed to question it and hear someone reassure him.

"Nikandros?"

"Hm?"

"He would have loved you. Don't you dare question it."

"Because we're soulmates."

"Because he was smart and knew how to recognize a good man when he saw one."

Blue eyes landed on Jord, who was walking towards them, smiling shyly.

"Laurent, can I have a word? Nikandros."

He nodded, respectfully, a small smirk on his lips. Before closing the door, he could hear Jord asking for forgiveness and Laurent reassuring him.

x

"You remember what you said to me?"

"I said a lot to you."

"About screwing destiny?"

"Yes "

"I think Aimeric would have hated me for forgiving Laurent."

"People say you can fall in love more than once."

"Have you?"

Nikandros opened his mouth, closed it again. 

No.   
Yes. 

He looked into Jord's clear eyes. Drowned in them.

"Maybe."

"That’s unfortunate."

"That's the word."

The younger man smiled and left, ignoring his burning chest and aching heart.

x

"Auguste would be fine you know? With you falling in love again."

Warm brown met cold blue for a second before Laurent left without any more comment. Was Nikandros that obvious?

x

"What colour are your eyes?"

Nikandros' eyes narrowed. 

"Brown. Yours?"

"Grey."

"I thought blue, for some reason."

"Aimeric's eyes were blue."

"Auguste had blue eyes, too."

"It's the first thing I saw."

"The first thing I saw was blood. The last was the blue of his eyes."

"I'm sure the first colour Auguste saw was brown."

Of course, with brown skin, brown hair and brown eyes, Nikandros must have been just a complete brown stain in a pool of blue, green and red.

"I wish it had been the pink of my cock, though."

Jord choked on his wine and Nikandros could see the pink on his cheeks getting darker, even though he had no idea what colour a flushed Jord was. 

"I'm sure it's a beautiful pink."

"Maybe it's green." 

"You're lucky I don't see colours then."

Without any more comment, Jord kneeled in front of the taller man, got rid of the stupid chiton that hang loosely around his waist.

It didn't matter if Nikandros' cock was green, blue or pink, the weight of it on his tongue was enough to make him moan without guilt for the first time in two years. 

And when Nikandros took him into his bed that night, he could've sworn the stars he saw behind his eyelids were as colourful as a rainbow.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm such a Nikandros trash, I love my boy so much. I'm considering writing a modern AU where Nikandros meets Auguste again and they can live the happily ever after they both deserve, my precious babies ((and also Jord is too pure, protect him)) (((fuck Aimeric for destroying him)))


End file.
